Patience is tough

Oh my word.  I’m honestly not sure who is going to read the things I post on here. Though that’s okay. This blog is mainly for me to vent, to calm myself by going to my favorite passion, to write what I cannot say out loud. 
   That being said,  I’m going to be keeping this blog updated with everything I’m doing, whether it be in the desert, or when I’m in Washington, or wherever the Lord leads me. I’ll be posting about my adventures, my mishaps, my hopes, and my struggles(in this case; patience).
  I’m usually a patient person, when I worked in customer service I dealt with people that required a ton of help with returns, paying their bills, or getting more discounts after already completing their purchases.  Through that I had several costumers telling me how patient I must be to take that time to do whatever it took to make sure the customer was happy.  When dealing with children(the craziest of crazy) I have no issues being patient and waiting for them to understand something or finish working on a project.  But the place that I struggle with patience, even though I know I shouldn’t, even though I know I have absolutely no control over it, is my future!! I struggle with figuring out what my career is going to be, whether I should go back to college, where should I live, who will my husband be, will I have kids, will I be a good mom, should I try to reconnect with old friends, should I go on missions trips, etc. The worst is that that’s only a few things that I struggle with when it comes to patience.
  I know God is in control. I know He had a perfect plan. I don’t doubt that. But I struggle with my patience in waiting. I don’t feel that this makes me a bad person, or a ‘Bad Christian’. I think I’m just like everyone else.
   Back in February, I felt a call to move to Washington. At the time I had a job that I loved. I was working with adorable children and though I was having issues with my employer, I wasn’t ready to leave those kids. So, I mentioned it to my mom, said I’d probably look into moving by next year, and moved on. About a week after telling my mom, there was a prayer night at my church, they had an altar call and though I don’t normally go up, because I don’t like being in front of a bunch of people, I went. And that’s when I felt things start to change. One of the assistant pastors prayed over me, it was a prayer where you could feel the Holy Spirit guiding the words, where you knew that God was talking straight to your heart!!! The pastor knew nothing of my Washington plans. I didn’t even know much about my Washington plans! But I knew that’s where I would be at some point soon. Work got better and things were fine for awhile. Fast forward to Mother’s day, my employer had shorted my check by $60, which isn’t a ton of money, but if you’re a young adult struggling to pay the bills, it’s the difference between buying groceries or putting gas in your car. After bringing this up to my employer, I was told that I would not be receiving that money, and to either accept that, or they would hire someone else to replace me. After prayer, and talking with some awesome ‘prayer warriors’ I realized that I needed to move on. I also started to realize that this was the Lord’s work, and it was time to start looking into moving Washington. To say I was scared is an understatement. I’ve always been pretty independent, but I’ve also typically had a safety net! Moving would mean that the closest family would be a 16 hour drive from me! But I knew the Lord was calling me, so it’s what I needed to do. I started looking into apartments and Nanny positions, but having never been to Washington, I realized it would be better to do a live-in position.  I’ve applied and interviewed with several families, and I’m still applying and interviewing. For awhile it got tough, I was having panic attacks just about every day and struggling to understand when any of the jobs would work out and why everything was taking so long! Then about a month ago at a prayer group (they’re honestly amazing!!), the pastor had an altar call for those feeling fearful, or anxious (basically me). I’m fairly certain I sprinted to the front! Instead of just the pastors praying over those who came up, it was everyone. I felt so many hands on my shoulders, hands, and head. So many people that just hugged me and prayed over me. My eyes were closed, so I’m not sure who any of them were, but I felt a complete sense of peace come over me. It was awesome!!!
I still have days where I’m overwhelmed, days where nothing makes sense, days where I’m completely over everything and just want to stop. One of my main concerns was that I wasn’t employed, my bank account was getting lower, and I was getting so discouraged. I didn’t want to get a job that I’d have to leave in a few months, but I was starting to think there was no other option. Fortunately, I was able to pick up caregiving jobs. Thank the Lord!! Another concern was leaving my youth group, I know that seems silly, but watching these kids grow up, seeing some of them going through the same struggles I did when I was that age, helping them get through the junk that the world(enemy) throws at them, it’s one of the most amazing jobs I’ve been blessed to do. I know most of them will graduate soon, and go off to college and live their own lives, some will even go on to be youth leaders and help the younger generation, and that makes me thrilled for them. But it still hurts to walk away. To not be able to do coffee dates, or miniature golf, or movie days. To not be able to pick them up and listen to them talk about things that scare them and counsel them with Scripture and stupid jokes. I know I’ll still be able to talk to them, to Skype, text, and Facebook with them. It’s just tough. The panic attacks have mostly gone away. And now I’m waiting for the perfect job that the Lord will bring me. God is so good, and I know His timing is so much greater than anything I could ever imagine. I’m working on my patience. I’m working on my trust. I’m working on me! I hope y’all (whomever you may be) will continue to read my posts and keep updated on my life happenings.  Thank you all for your encouragement, your prayers, and your love!! It all makes my heart happy!!!

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