I’M SUPER SORRY!!! I was going through old posts and saw that the last time I posted was in November!! So much has been happening since then and I have been writing about it all, but I also have had a major topic on my heart that I want to tell y’all about. So instead of doing a bunch of different posts, I’m going to give a quick overview of the past few months, then talk about what I really want!!!
Alright! So, from my last post, I was still dating a guy that wasn’t a relationship I was meant to be in. It’s not fun breaking up, but I know God has plans for my life that didn’t include this guy. I’m thankful that the Lord blessed me with a rockin sense of discernment.
I was a little bummed I wasn’t home for Thanksgiving with my mom, but I was super blessed that my roommates family opened their house up to me and were so welcoming!!! Plus, LEFTOVERS!!! I’ve known for awhile, but I’m always in awe to remember that family isn’t based on blood. It makes my heart happy every time I get to experience these discoveries.
Now, onto December!!! 🎄🎁🎄🎁🎄🎁
I wanted to be home for Christmas!! I had saved enough money to do the drive home, but was going to have to figure out a way to make money to get back. But the Lord saw my need, and put it on the heart of an awesome person from my church in CA to fund my drive down as a blessing!!! Seriously?!?! I’m continually floored with how blessed I am!!!
Anyway, I packed a bag, and started my drive down. I planned it so I could surprise my kids at the youth Christmas party, which meant I couldn’t post anything about my drive!! Which is not easy for me since I’m addicted to Snapchat!! The worst was when I got my first In-n-Out since arriving in Cali!! I was on the phone with one of my best friends and probably frightened her and the cashier at In-n-Out with how excited I was!!! I ended up going to visit my family by the beach earlier that week, and had a blast, but still couldn’t post anything!! Then, that Thursday I finally got into my hometown!!😂😂 I met my mom at none other than In-n-Out (I should be paid for all this promoting hahaha) and totally cried in the parking lot (I’m a die-hard Momma’s girl, remember?), then had a rockin dinner! We went to her house and I finally got to sleep in my own bed!!!! I missed that bed. You don’t even know!! Anyway, Friday finally rolled around, and with the help of the youth pastor and some parents I was able to surprise my kids!!! There were tears (mostly mine), and I got to see all my girls!!!
Over the time that I was in California, I was able to pick up shifts through the caregiving agency I worked for before I moved. Which rocks cause it helped so I could have money in savings again.
I was also able to go on the youth winter retreat!! Which was awesome!!! Honestly, I was so psyched to see how the Lord has been working in these kids lives, and to be able to meet other churches that are part of the FCA family!! I was super blessed (and rather proud) when a few leaders from the other churches pointed out that my kids obviously love me. But my heart hurt a little when they questioned why I would leave those kids that love me behind. I explained how difficult a decision moving to Washington has been. But I also explained that I felt called to move here. That I’ve always encouraged my kids to follow the Lord’s plan for their lives. Even if it hurts. Even if it means leaving everyone you love behind. Even if it means you’re hated. You have to follow what God wants for your life. Which is why I moved. Once I explained, they understood. They agreed. They encouraged. Choosing God’s way is rarely the popular choice. Which I think sucks. But we’re living in a world where people are choosing the easy way, the way they don’t think will damage, until they realize too late that the enemy has a price for everything!!
I was thankful to be a part of the retreat and to reconnect with some of my kids.
The original plan was to get on the road back to WA on the 8th (it was actually supposed to be the 6th, but whatever), but some shifts came up and I needed to meet up with a few more friends before I left, so I changed it to the 13th. Unfortunately, my body started fighting a massive cold. So, while I said goodbye to everyone on the 11th, I didn’t end up leaving until the 16th. I still had a cold until about a week after I returned. But I’m finally back home in WA!!!!! I missed it here. I don’t know that this is where I’m staying for the rest of my life, but for now, it’s home. I’m still job hunting, and would appreciate your continued prayers on that front. I still live in an awesome place in Tacoma, and I’m dating a really nice guy (more details on him later). My life has been a series of blessing upon blessing. Last week my mom ended up in the hospital with chest pains and it all ended up being stress related. She pretty much suffered a panic attack that made her blood pressure go up and cause her to have chest pains. The Dr ran a ton of tests and she was discharged after staying a few days. I’m so relieved it wasn’t something more serious. I’m beyond grateful for the prayers and outpouring of love that I received through this trying situation.
It’s been scary, but the Lord is so faithful to provide numerous miracles and blessings in my life.
So…why am I still suffering from panic attacks and depression?
This is mainly what I wanted to talk about, because it’s been such an intense part of my life for so long. And I know I’m not the only believer that goes through this. I know there are others out there that are going to read this and understand exactly what I’m saying. Which is why I’m posting it. I feel like society tells us it’s not okay to go through these struggles. That there has to be something wrong with you if you’re feeling this way. That’s not the freaking case!!!! I can NOT underestimate how upset it makes me when people say that I must have made God mad for Him to let me feel like this. Or, ‘you have so many amazing things going on in your life, what do you have to be depressed about?!’
Trust me, my life isn’t perfect. I’m not saying I don’t have blessings. I’m not taking those for granted. I’m not saying it is always rational when I have a panic attack. It’s never actually rational. It’s never planned. It usually hits at the worst possible moments.
If you’ve never had a panic attack, let me describe what happens (at least my point of view). Sometimes there are triggers. One of my old triggers was seeing a person from my past. This guy had hurt me, and though there was no way for him to hurt me anymore, my body and mind didn’t care to register that.
So, I’d see this person, or even something that reminded me of this person, and my heart would start rapidly pounding, my breathing would feel like sucking in a lung full of the thickest air, like you are trying to get out from under a wave of water and you receive a quick breath here and there. I couldn’t hear anything because the blood in my body would be rushing through me. I’d start crying. Then questioning everything. Wondering what I did that made my life come to that moment of breaking?! It started to feel like I was in a tight space. With no place to move. Typically, I’d curl up and focus on my breathing. I used to have a best friend that I would text and she’d talk me through it. Or, I would write. Eventually, you get through it. Your breathing returns to normal. Your able to focus on other things. And you continue with your life. Everyone will try to offer a solution, that’s just the way things are, but no one is the same. Which means no one deals with things the same. Sometimes you have to take medications, that’s okay. I have to take them every now and then. It doesn’t make me less of a Christian because I break down. It doesn’t make me a terrible person because I want to stay in bed an entire day and not do life for a moment. The key thing is to not dwell there. Yeah, there’s gonna be crappy days. Yeah, the world is a tough place sometimes. But as a believer, I know, without a doubt, that I am not of this world! I know that these moments are going to pass sooner than I’d expect. And that there is so much greatness in my future.
There’s no changing the past and how it altered you, but you can choose to have a future that shows you’re stronger than those dramas.
I will be posting regularly from now on!!! I promise! Plus, I’ll do more Q&A’s!! I didn’t on this one, because I knew it was going to be a long post in general. But I’ll post on Sunday with a whole section of it, because y’all have sent in some awesome questions!!
As always, send me your questions, testimonies, prayer requests, or randomness!!
I love y’all, and miss y’all 😍😍😘😘