The curious case of the Circle K Girl

Anyone that knows me, knows how much I value sleep. If I’m still awake after working a full 10 hour day, then whatever I’m awake for is important. If you call me at 3 in the morning, and I answer, you’re important to me.

Last night, I was exhausted, I had a headache (Still do), and my client was in a bad mood all day. All I wanted to do was get home and sleep. I stopped at a Circle K to get a lemonade (89 cent thirstbuster). I didn’t go to the usual store by my house, I went to one closer to where I was working, I just felt a random pull to that location. There was a girl there, around 16 years old, and she had on a long sleeve shirt (it’s 102 outside), she went to hand over the cash for her purchases and the sleeve on one side came up her wrist a bit, and that’s when I saw them, those marks that I have as well, the ones that scar my wrists, my legs, my stomach, my back; this young lady cuts herself.  I knew before I saw them. But the second I did, I knew God had me go to this specific store…I had to talk with this girl. I didn’t want to. I’m happy to text you. I do well with writing things. But if I have to talk to you, and you’re a complete stranger? That freaks me out. But I knew I had to. Honestly, I’m moving to a different state because the Lord called me, but I can’t talk to a stranger? So, I handed the cashier my money and ran out the door hoping the girl wasn’t gone.

She wasn’t. She had started to walk towards her apartments and I called out for her to stop. She didn’t. Which is totally understandable because it’s almost 11 p.m. and I’m a complete stranger. But I knew God was backing me so it had to work out.  Eventually she stopped, we went into a 24 hour donut shop. And I told her I saw her wrists, she immediately got self conscious, as I used to, and tried to pull her sleeves even further. I showed her my wrists and told her my past, I told her that I used to cut myself, that I knew what she felt when she hurt herself, I knew the control that she was trying to gain by doing that. I told her about myself, about my church. I told her that I’m going to be praying for her because I love her, and that I’ve got a whole church family that’s praying for her because they love her. She was crying at this point and asked me how people who’ve never met her can love her. So, I explained that, as believers, we have the love of Jesus in our lives. We need to let that love shine through us. I told her how there were so many people standing in the gap for me, praying and pleading that I would come back to the church, that I wouldn’t cut too deep, or push too much of the wrong drug into my system, people that never even met me until years later were praying and loving me. And because of those people, I’m able to be here to help girls like her.

She finally opened up about why she was cutting. Her parents are going through a nasty divorce and she feels like they both hate her. She told me that they’re using her to get information on each other and she doesn’t want to disappoint either of them. She told me that her mother said it’s her fault they’re divorcing. Which led her to believe that if she ended everything they’d be okay again…
My heart broke for this girl! I assured her it wasn’t her fault. I prayed with her and told her I’m here for her. I gave her my number and let her know that she’s always welcome at our church. We spoke for two hours, and when she walked away I knew she was going be alright. I knew the Lord was going to guide her steps. But I also knew that my part in her life was done. I will probably never see that girl again, but God knew we needed to talk!

It was a tough discussion. Anytime I have a discussion about my past it’s difficult for me. But if it stops just one person from going down the roads I’ve been down? Then I’ll tell my past to everyone. No hesitation.
On the note of self harm, if you suspect someone you love is hurting themselves, talk with them! Do NOT blame them. Do NOT say that they’re a bad person. Do NOT make light of the reasons they’re harming themselves. Everyone deals with situations differently. When I was harming myself, I was suffering from depression, and lacking control over so many aspects of my life. I thought that by slicing into my skin with a blade, I was gaining that control. In the moment, it worked. In the long haul, I’ve got scars that I’m going to have to explain to my children one day. I’ve got a past that I’m going to have to pray my kids never want to experience. It kills me when I see young men and women with scars and track marks on their arms, because I’ve finally realized that those people have parents and will be parents one day. When you become a parent you pray over your child, hoping that no harm comes to them. You don’t expect that one day they’ll shoot up to escape for a minute. You don’t expect that they’ll dig into their arms with any sharp object to control some aspect of their lives. You never thought that they’d cram a bunch of food down their throat, only to throw it up 20 minutes later to get skinnier. It’s tragic that these are actual struggles that we all face. There’s no special pill, no miracle diet, no specialist. There’s only God. It took me longer than necessary to see that. But I know it to be true. Without God, without complete strangers praying for me, I have no doubt that I wouldn’t have made it to my 21st birthday. The road I was on was miserable, but because I got myself there, I was certain I could get myself out. I was wrong. If you see someone in the darkness, be there for them and let them know there’s a light at the end and that you’ll help them get there.

As always, thanks for reading. If you have a topic you’d like to know about, let me know. Love y’all!!



Being a girl is tough, really freaking tough!

Okay, so the title says what this post is about. I’m gonna go through a few things that annoy me about being a girl, and I’m sure they annoy you too! Some of these are silly and random, some are serious and probably throw you back to a time when you experienced something similar.  A handful of young ladies in my life helped me out with a few of these!! thanks girls!!

Fair warning: if you’re a guy reading this, you should probably stop. I’m going to have a few things at the end so I’ll write in a different format when I get there to let y’all know it’s safe. There’s gonna be things on here you probably don’t wanna read. Weird things. Gross things. But it’s my blog, so deal!

That being said, the following is my list!!

1. Bobby pins and hair ties
  These freaking things…ugh. I swear. You can never find them! I can honestly say that I’ve purchased hundreds, if not thousands, of these and they disappear! It’s as though your bathroom, bedroom, and living room are the freaking Bermuda triangle! It drives me crazy. The only solution I’ve come up with is to just get packs of them at the dollar store…it doesn’t keep them around, but at least your not spending as much!

2. Not being thin enough!
   This will always be a thing! Always!! It doesn’t matter if you’re a size 0 with a great body, and muscle tone out the wahzoo. You will always think you’re not thin enough. Fun fact: you’re beautiful. You’re exactly how God planned you to be. I get that you want to go to that Zumba class, or attempt another round of hot yoga (for the love of all things holy, never do that again!), but make sure you’re doing it for you!! Which brings us to the next point!!!

3. Constantly trying to live up to societies standards.
  This is a freaking nightmare. We have always lived in a society where you need to fit into a certain mold. And if you don’t, then you ‘must’ do what it takes to get into that mold. This really freaking annoys me!!! I’m never going to fit that mold. I can assure you of that. Does that make me ugly? Does that make me less of a human being? Heck no!!! It’s like those awesome Dove commercials, I’m a real freaking woman! I don’t need a nose job, or a boob job, or liposuction to ‘ better my life’. And it annoys me that there are girls out there thinking that what society says is right is the law. I assure y’all right now, it’s not!!!

Okay, so after a few heavy topics, let’s get a random one.

4.  Waterproof makeup…primarily eye makeup.
    This is a lie. I have tried product after product, and while I don’t cry often, I cry enough to know these products lie!! I love makeup. I love testing new palettes of eyeshadow, or getting a perfect eyeliner(still searching). But when you have those moments, i.e. weddings, baby showers, funerals(hopefully not a lot of those :'(), or you’re going to a pool party and the guy you’re certain you’ll marry is gonna be there, and you need that mascara and eyeliner combo to help you through, be prepared to be let down! I can assure you, it’s typically just better to go natural and not turn into the creepy well girl from The Ring. I’m only looking out for you here. And fyi, that guy you wanna marry, most likely doesn’t care about any of it. And if he’s meant for you, he will love you even if you look like Taylor Momsen in her early Gossip Girl years.

5.  Women being sexualized by the media.
   This is a tough line. I like to go dancing, it’s awesome.  I like to drop it low. I like to get dressed up, and have fun. But as I said, there’s a line. I go out with my friends.  I’m not there for these guys to be the Robin Thicke to my Miley Cyrus. I’m never trying to be Miley…just so y’all know.  I’m there to have fun and let loose, knowing that I’m going to leave and go home by myself.  Unfortunately, because of the media making it seem that I’m out there to be grabbed and have creepy guys grind on me, I’ve had to learn to be careful. I dress for me. I dance for me. But I have to remind myself that society has been told that I’m doing it for them. So, the next time you wanna drop it low, or twerk up a storm, remember that guys are looking at you as though you’re their property. It’s probably best to dial it back and save those moves for your future husband ;p

6.  Underwire bras…really, any bra.
   Welcome to the wonderful world of women. Even if you’re not well endowed, you still know the struggle. I’m convinced that there is no perfect bra out there! You want one that provides support, but also is comfortable, but it needs to be cute, too! And then there’s also the added over boob, where it’s popping out the top, and sides. But it’s definitely your size!! And then there’s the struggle of the wires digging into you(that’s always fun). You should also avoid you’re freezer section, having your nipples show through your shirt is crazy embarrassing, or boob sweat, but if you have padding you might be covered(you’re not actually covered, sorry). And while on the note of sweat, which tends to dry out your skin, let’s talk about itchy boobs! This is a struggle because you’re typically in public when this lovely issue surfaces, and there’s only so much subtle scratching you can do before you have to go to a private place and scratch away to your hearts content!  No, just no. Finding a perfect bra is about as likely as marrying your celebrity crush.

7.  Shaving…I’m actually sad just seeing that word!
     This is a miserable feat. Especially during the summer! Guys think we overreact, and that it’s so freaking simple. Guys are wrong! It’s not just shaving your legs, oh no, you’ve got your armpits, but it doesn’t end there! If you can get away with those basic shaving areas, great, I applaud you. Realistically, you’re gonna be shaving everything…yeah, everything. Arms (if they’re hairy), legs, pits,  bikini area(most likely you’re gonna just shave everything in the downstairs region, and that’s acceptable), and I think some girls shave their backs(that’s cool, no judgement).  Now, there’s a quick process that’s been around for awhile, it’s called waxing. That can get expensive and hurt like nobodies business(especially if you’re getting the pubes pulled. *internal shudder*), so I’d recommend you stick with shaving, and if you’re being super thorough, remember to have a good razor, and lather up on shaving cream (don’t skimp on this), and some Vitamin D oil, coconut oil, or neosporin. You’re going to get bumps, it’s just a fact, no way to sugar coat it, but those will go away and you’ll be blessed with a few days of gorgeous, hair free skin!! Enjoy!

8.  Periods/PMS
   Of course this is on here. This was the main reason I created this post. I could probably write an entire post about this alone! Some of you may even be in bed with your heating pad strategically placed to fight off the cramps that you’re certain will be the death of you, right now. My friends, I feel your pain. I remember, when I was super young, thinking that getting my period would be great! It meant you were growing up, maturing…that was a harsh reality check.  I got my first period at 11, and it wasn’t too bad. Then I didn’t get it again until I was 13…when it came back, it came with a freaking vengeance!!! Cramps that feel like glass is shredding your insides, and a flow that could rival the Niagara Falls started. It’s miserable. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Tampons are best for controlling the flow and attempting to avoid leaks. However, they make the cramping worse! Then there are pads…I personally hate them.  No one actually knows you’re wearing one, but in the middle of your misery you are certain the world is aware you’ve got one on, and that adds to your delightful embarrassment. Oh, and if you’re not shaved in your nether regions, you run the risk of the glue from the pad (that can’t freaking stick to your panty) sticking to your super sensitive hairs, which you’ll usually discover while in a public restroom, where you will proceed to cry for a random amount of time. Because during this week everything will make you cry, sad movie? Cry. Dropped your cookie? Cry. Remembered your first kiss? Cry. Remembered your last kiss? Cry. Remembered the amount of time since your last kiss? Cry. Someone said something somewhat mean? Cry. Someone called you pretty? Definitely cry!  It happens. You’re probably bloated too, which means nothing fits right, you’re gonna cry about that too.  Your boobs are sore. Your exhausted and sweating from even walking to the fridge (it’s twelve feet away) to get a tub of icecream. And you’re breaking out like crazy, so you wear about a pound of foundation which doesn’t help anything and makes the zits worse!! Guys will never understand what we go through when we get our periods, and for that I hate them. But wait, there also comes the point during your period where you think guys are the greatest creation ever! It’s a rare window, it doesn’t happen to everyone, but if it does, let me warn you. It’s not that the guy is great, yes, he may have made eye contact with you for longer than the standard 3 seconds, or complimented something about you, it does not mean anything, go back to hiding, take some Midol, bust out the Half-Baked,  pop in the notebook, and paint your nails. Your ‘angry time/hell week’ will be over soon!!!

9.  Jealousy
   This one isn’t strictly a girl annoyance, but it’s primarily girls that get jealous.  It’s not always the big things that cause our jealousy. In all honesty, I get jealous over stupid things that aren’t necessarily in anyone’s control! I.e. figure, ability to dance in heels, sense of humor, etc. Then there are the typical issues of, boys, clothes, money. There are a number of things that cause jealousy. How we handle our jealousy is what helps define us. Next time you see some girl on a date with the guy you have a crush on (but have never told), go ahead and pray about it. Don’t automatically think that girl is a bad person, don’t try to ruin their date. Just realize that that isn’t the person God had meant for you and move along. Who knows, you could end up missing out on the real man of your life because you were so caught up in that jealousy!!

10. Haircuts/hair styles
   Getting haircuts has always been a nightmare for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my hair stylist! I’m just super attached to my hair, and if I don’t like what happens to it, I’ll cry. If it’s too short, I’ll cry. Too much product? Here come the waterworks! And it usually happens when you’re supposed to be somewhere important(prom anyone?)! I was 13 when I thought I could get my hair cut like Pink(the punk/pixie cut)…oh how wrong I was. My hair is naturally curly, and I had yet to discover a straightener, so I looked like I had a fro. It wasn’t a great year. I ended up wearing bandanas all year. Not in the cute way either. I wore them to pull my hair back…it was terrible. Since then, I only get trims…though it’s rare. I just can’t go through another year of bandanas! A word of advice, if you’re getting a haircut, find a picture of what you want, talk to your stylist and make sure you can handle the upkeep of it, and wait at least two days before getting it cut. I know it grows back, but just freaking play it safe!!!

Okay guys it’s safe to read from now on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay, a super fun list. There are several more things, and I’ll most likely create another post for the many things that annoy me about being a girl. In the meantime, I want to give a quick note to the guys, if y’all stuck around. Being a girl has a bunch of issues that suck, and I’m sorry for when those issues cause us to be crazy and lash out at you. Know this, if we’re upset, if we’re crying, if we’re laughing at inappropriate times,  it doesn’t always mean we’re on our periods. When you assume that, it makes everything we’re dealing with(no matter how minute), a million times worse. For your safety, just be there and remain silent…if you have chocolate, that helps too.  😁

Thanks everyone for reading, and thank you for your input! If you have anything you wanted to know more about let me know. Love y’all!!!


Confessions of a sleep deprived young adult…

Being a young adult is tough. I honestly don’t recommend it. But being sleep deprived in addition to that is miserable!!! This past week has been crazy busy, between work, friends visiting, and packing up my apartment, I’ve been up early most mornings and up late at night. The staying awake at night part isn’t really a big deal. I’ve always been a night person. Love it. I do not love it, however, when I have to be awake early! The worst, is when I have plans and end up having to bail on those to catch up with other things. It’s complete madness!!!
Okay. I’m over my mini rant.
On another note, I’m almost completely moved out of my apartment. Which is actually making me more emotional that I thought I’d be. I have another interview for a nanny position in Washington on Tuesday. Hopefully that goes well, but if not, it’s okay.  After some serious prayer and consideration, I’ve decided that I’m moving September 1st! I’m saving as much money while I’m down here, and looking at apartments and rooms for rent in Washington. As well as looking into full time nanny positions. So, there it is. My leaving the desert day is officially September 1st, and I’m excited!!! If I get one of the positions I’m interviewing for then it could be sooner, or even a few weeks later. But it’s all in


hands.  It could end up changing again, and I’m totally okay with that.

Alright, so I got a few questions sent to me on my last post(which I thought was totally cool) and I’m going to answer them as best I can. Please continue to send me questions, even the most random ones!! I can assure you though, I will not answer questions that creep me out. #Sorrynotsorry

‘Question time with Kelsey!’

Question 1 : ‘why do you think God is making you go to WA??’

Okay, so I’m honestly not sure. I suppose I’ll find out when I get up there? I trust the Lord with all my being. That being said, He has changed the direction of my life several times so far, and I have no doubt He will change it again. I look forward seeing what happens!!

Question 2: ‘have you ever had your heart broken?’

This one is tough, the reason it’s tough is that there are several types of heartbreak.  I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that you’re talking about being dumped. In that case, I’m gonna have to say, no. I was hurt, yes, but not heartbroken. I think it’s probably because I haven’t met that ‘true love’ of my life. That’s not to say I didn’t care about my ex boyfriends, I just knew they weren’t ‘the one’ for me. And when I do meet that man, I hope he never breaks my heart…that would kind of suck! 😕

And finally,
Question 3:  ‘besides the whole drama that goes on at youth, do you love our church? Would you choose not to go still?’

This question has a backstory which I’ll try to make quick! There was a bad situation at church amongst a few youth leaders and myself.  Some hurtful comments were made against me, and I reached my limit of tolerance to this bullying. So, I decided to leave. This was back in December. I didn’t end up leaving, because after praying and being counseled by some awesome women of God, I realized that if I left that would let the bullies win!! And that is so freaking ridiculous and should never happen!!! I’ve continued to have drama with these people and have just prayed through it. I do love my church. I love my family there. I love my kids(youth group). And I will always love it. I think some of you feel like I’m ‘running away’ because you don’t know why I’m leaving, that is definitely not the case!! I have no issues with my church, or the people that attend. If I wasn’t moving, I’d definitely still be there! But I am moving, and will definitely come back and visit!!

Okay, that’s all I’ve got right now. Thank you for reading, thank you for the questions, I’m going to put an e-mail address below for y’all to send more questions!!!
Have a blessed day, love y’all!

Kelsey Hayden

Patience is tough

Oh my word.  I’m honestly not sure who is going to read the things I post on here. Though that’s okay. This blog is mainly for me to vent, to calm myself by going to my favorite passion, to write what I cannot say out loud. 
   That being said,  I’m going to be keeping this blog updated with everything I’m doing, whether it be in the desert, or when I’m in Washington, or wherever the Lord leads me. I’ll be posting about my adventures, my mishaps, my hopes, and my struggles(in this case; patience).
  I’m usually a patient person, when I worked in customer service I dealt with people that required a ton of help with returns, paying their bills, or getting more discounts after already completing their purchases.  Through that I had several costumers telling me how patient I must be to take that time to do whatever it took to make sure the customer was happy.  When dealing with children(the craziest of crazy) I have no issues being patient and waiting for them to understand something or finish working on a project.  But the place that I struggle with patience, even though I know I shouldn’t, even though I know I have absolutely no control over it, is my future!! I struggle with figuring out what my career is going to be, whether I should go back to college, where should I live, who will my husband be, will I have kids, will I be a good mom, should I try to reconnect with old friends, should I go on missions trips, etc. The worst is that that’s only a few things that I struggle with when it comes to patience.
  I know God is in control. I know He had a perfect plan. I don’t doubt that. But I struggle with my patience in waiting. I don’t feel that this makes me a bad person, or a ‘Bad Christian’. I think I’m just like everyone else.
   Back in February, I felt a call to move to Washington. At the time I had a job that I loved. I was working with adorable children and though I was having issues with my employer, I wasn’t ready to leave those kids. So, I mentioned it to my mom, said I’d probably look into moving by next year, and moved on. About a week after telling my mom, there was a prayer night at my church, they had an altar call and though I don’t normally go up, because I don’t like being in front of a bunch of people, I went. And that’s when I felt things start to change. One of the assistant pastors prayed over me, it was a prayer where you could feel the Holy Spirit guiding the words, where you knew that God was talking straight to your heart!!! The pastor knew nothing of my Washington plans. I didn’t even know much about my Washington plans! But I knew that’s where I would be at some point soon. Work got better and things were fine for awhile. Fast forward to Mother’s day, my employer had shorted my check by $60, which isn’t a ton of money, but if you’re a young adult struggling to pay the bills, it’s the difference between buying groceries or putting gas in your car. After bringing this up to my employer, I was told that I would not be receiving that money, and to either accept that, or they would hire someone else to replace me. After prayer, and talking with some awesome ‘prayer warriors’ I realized that I needed to move on. I also started to realize that this was the Lord’s work, and it was time to start looking into moving Washington. To say I was scared is an understatement. I’ve always been pretty independent, but I’ve also typically had a safety net! Moving would mean that the closest family would be a 16 hour drive from me! But I knew the Lord was calling me, so it’s what I needed to do. I started looking into apartments and Nanny positions, but having never been to Washington, I realized it would be better to do a live-in position.  I’ve applied and interviewed with several families, and I’m still applying and interviewing. For awhile it got tough, I was having panic attacks just about every day and struggling to understand when any of the jobs would work out and why everything was taking so long! Then about a month ago at a prayer group (they’re honestly amazing!!), the pastor had an altar call for those feeling fearful, or anxious (basically me). I’m fairly certain I sprinted to the front! Instead of just the pastors praying over those who came up, it was everyone. I felt so many hands on my shoulders, hands, and head. So many people that just hugged me and prayed over me. My eyes were closed, so I’m not sure who any of them were, but I felt a complete sense of peace come over me. It was awesome!!!
I still have days where I’m overwhelmed, days where nothing makes sense, days where I’m completely over everything and just want to stop. One of my main concerns was that I wasn’t employed, my bank account was getting lower, and I was getting so discouraged. I didn’t want to get a job that I’d have to leave in a few months, but I was starting to think there was no other option. Fortunately, I was able to pick up caregiving jobs. Thank the Lord!! Another concern was leaving my youth group, I know that seems silly, but watching these kids grow up, seeing some of them going through the same struggles I did when I was that age, helping them get through the junk that the world(enemy) throws at them, it’s one of the most amazing jobs I’ve been blessed to do. I know most of them will graduate soon, and go off to college and live their own lives, some will even go on to be youth leaders and help the younger generation, and that makes me thrilled for them. But it still hurts to walk away. To not be able to do coffee dates, or miniature golf, or movie days. To not be able to pick them up and listen to them talk about things that scare them and counsel them with Scripture and stupid jokes. I know I’ll still be able to talk to them, to Skype, text, and Facebook with them. It’s just tough. The panic attacks have mostly gone away. And now I’m waiting for the perfect job that the Lord will bring me. God is so good, and I know His timing is so much greater than anything I could ever imagine. I’m working on my patience. I’m working on my trust. I’m working on me! I hope y’all (whomever you may be) will continue to read my posts and keep updated on my life happenings.  Thank you all for your encouragement, your prayers, and your love!! It all makes my heart happy!!!